


The Poetry Series: The Other Side of Want

by Darknightjess (orphan_account), jay_linden



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-18
Updated: 2009-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-03 07:29:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Darknightjess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jay_linden/pseuds/jay_linden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All of the poetry attributed to Viggo in this story is written by <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Darknightjess/pseuds/Darknightjess">Darknightjess</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The other side of want

"...and I asked her was if she actually thought that skirt with that shirt was a good idea. It's not like I asked her if she even owned a mirror... Viggo? Hey! Are you even listening to me?" Dennis walked toward the studio, stepping over a box of negatives and looking into the room. "The fuck blew up in here? You lose your keys again?" he said with a bright smile.

"If I did, you must have found them. Didn't I change the locks to keep you out?" Viggo murmured from his position in the middle of the floor, surrounded with crumpled pieces of paper with sketches and handwriting covering them.

"Pfft big star like me? I give em an autograph down at the Home Depot and they'd give me copies of your shit." Dennis said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "So this for the next book?" He asked and toed a pile of cardboard and then looked up. "Oh yeah, how early you want to start out in the morning? I was thi -" Dennis stopped as the chirp of a cell phone sounded.

"Sorry, I'll just see who it is and call them back la-" Viggo started, flipping the phone open and answering it before he finished the sentence. "Hey!"

_"Hey Duck. What're ya doing?"_

"Working on the new book. And Dennis has just shown up to distract me, so I probably won't get anything done for a while. How about you? Things going well?" Viggo beamed as he spoke.

_"I'm tired and sore and lonely and horny. The proofs on the book aren't due for a while, yeah? I miss you."_

Viggo laughed gently at the pout that was audible over the phone. "All those things at once, are you? I miss you too. They're due... end of the month I think? I know I've got a deadline under here somewhere," Viggo murmured, starting to shift papers around, then lowered the phone for a second. "Dennis, don't touch!" He went back to the call. "Honestly, he's more trouble then a child."

Smiling, Dennis flipped Viggo off, keeping one ear on his friend's side of the conversation.

_"Can you get away? There's a flight leaving in - uh - four hours from LAX."_

"You've checked flight times?" Viggo returned the gesture using two fingers, something he'd picked up over the Rings shoot and hadn't been able to shake. "I..." _Dennis will understand._ "Yeah, I can make it. Are you going to meet me at the airport?" he said, his voice betraying his optimism.

Dennis cleared his throat, a muscle on his cheek jumping with a twitch as he clenched his teeth.

_"Duck, you know I can't. The paparazzi are all over me. I'll send a car, though. And I'll get reservations at the Inn tha's out from the city. You'll love it."_

Catching the sound from Dennis, Viggo got up and walked a bit away, pitching his voice lower. "Yeah, I know. Are we doing friend coming to visit, or should I attempt incognito then?" He asked, covering his disappointment fairly well.

Dennis turned and picked up a sheath of papers, flipping through them in concentration.

_"Let's keep this low key, 'kay? So tomorrow afternoon, yeah? Sleep on the plane - that way you won't have to waste time sleeping here."_

Viggo's breath hitched at the laugh that followed his statement, wondering just how much Dennis would freak out at him if he had to adjust himself while he was in the room. "You're a brat, you know that? I should pack. I'll call you from the airport, all right?"

_"But I'm your brat, right Duck? And you can make me mind when you get here. Call me, if I don't answer leave a message. The car will be there anyway. Bye."_

"Yes, you're my brat. See you then. Love -" Viggo paused, hearing the dial tone. He snapped the phone shut and took a deep breath, turning around to look at Dennis. "Sorry, it was him. Had to take the call."

"Bomb gonna detonate if not huh?" Dennis said with a smile that managed to completely not reach his eyes.

"So you never said, what time tomorrow you want to head out?"

"Wasn't that one of your movies?" Viggo said, trying to lighten the moment. "You're more for the ones with explosions then I am." He bit his lip and looked down. "Dennis..."

Dennis stood shuffling the pages, refusing to make it easy on his friend, not this time.

Viggo stayed quiet, the uncomfortable silence lingering between them. "Christ, Dennis- what do you want from me? You know how long it's been since I've seen him?"

"Probably since the last time he called and said �" plane �" here - now. Right?"

"He's busy- he works an insane schedule all over the world, that's how it works right now," Viggo argued, hating being put in this position. "I'm sorry- it's not like I'm trying to screw you over on purpose or anything."

"That's how it works right now? Viggo, try for the past five years. Can you use your name on the ticket this time? Or Senor Sneakabout? And he comes back to town - what then? Fuck Viggo you two lived ten miles from each other and still had to fly a hundred miles east of here to - to whatever - see each other." Dennis said, waving the handful of papers for emphasis.

"You're exaggerating- it wasn't that bad," Viggo muttered, getting antsy about having this argument when he needed to be upstairs packing. Now.

"Yeah yeah it was." Dennis said and snatched a stool out and sat down heavily. "Fuck man, listen to yourself. This kid has you by the balls. You give me the bullshit defense that he's young and blah fuckin' blah and you sit around like a lapdog and wait for him to call. When man - just tell me that - when?"

Viggo glared at Dennis, leaning against the desk, his fingers clenching tightly against the desktop. "After Kingdom of Heaven opens worldwide," he said, his teeth gritted. "And tone it the fuck down, Dennis, you're totally out of line."

Dennis' head snapped up and he stared at the man that he had been friends with for almost fifteen years. "Oh, sorry man, I thought it was when Pirates opened." He snapped his fingers and said, "Wait or was it Troy? No, guess not huh? But yeah, defiantly after this one huh? Poster boy's gonna do the whole coming out thing huh?" He stood up and waved the papers at Viggo. "And I'm outta line? What about the book, fuck that your blowing me off - you gonna blow the book off too?"

"I'm not blowing the book off- I'll be gone for a few days and then I'll be back!" Viggo protested, looking down again, hurt and embarrassed. "Pirates was a Disney movie- Troy was doing badly enough in the box office as it was without..." he cut off, tired of explaining. Tired of making excuses. Just tired.

"Guess Pirates two is being distributed by Penthouse, huh?" Dennis shuffled the papers in his hand, holding one out. "Here put this one in. One closer to the deadline - oh that's right, you aren't blowing the book off."

"No, I'm not blowing the book off," Viggo repeated, snatching the piece of paper from Dennis and skimming through it, his hand starting to shake before he'd gotten halfway down the page. He bit his lip hard, going back to the top of the sheet and reading the poem through again, slowly this time, then placing it carefully down on top of his desk.

"I have to pack," Viggo said, his voice hoarse, unable to look Dennis in the eyes.

"Yeah, guess you do." Dennis said and walked out.

Viggo tried to call after Dennis, to apologize, to yell at him for making him feel this way, something, but the words wouldn't come out. He stared at the wall, the words he'd just read running over and over again in his mind, then pushing himself off the desk, giving his head a firm shake and heading for his bedroom. He had a plane to catch.

As he walked out of the room the paper laying on the desk fluttered in the breeze of his passing, the poem written on it standing out dark against the white page.

** _Results_ **

_I didn't set out   
to be   
this person.  
I didn't lay awake   
in the safe haven   
of my childhood   
and dream   
of becoming   
someone   
that you didn't  
need._

You toss   
your keys   
on the table,   
your coat   
on the chair,   
and me   
to the side.

I am on the other  
side of  
want  
and close enough   
to need  
to feel   
you  
running through  
my veins  
naming me  
taming me  
owning me.

Making me this person.


	2. Carrying my solutions with them

Viggo took the key from the desk agent and hoisted his bag to his shoulder, muttering curses at the lack of an elevator as he struggled up the stairs. He stopped in front of the door and started to fish for the key he'd stuffed into his pocket, then changed his mind and knocked hard on the door. "Did someone request turn down service?" he called, using a thick Spanish accent.

Viggo stood waiting, a grin on his face. After a few minutes he knocked again and at that moment his cell phone rang. Answering it, he heard a familiar voice cut in quickly. "Duck, hey listen - I'm sorry. I got tied up. Order some room service and take a shower or whatever and I'll be there in like an hour, 'kay?"

"No problem- I only just got here anyway," Viggo said, ruthlessly squashing Dennis's voice in his head before he could launch into his version of the 'I told you so' chorus. He dropped his bag on the floor and fit the key in the lock, heading into the room. "You weren't kidding about this place though- it's beautiful. Anything special you want me to order?"

"Strawberries." Orlando said with a laugh. "I'm going to run. I'm glad you're here and I'll be there as quick as I can."

"All right. I'm glad I came," Viggo smiled into the phone. "See you soon- love you."

"You too." Orlando said softly and hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~

Three hours later, Orlando unlocked the door and opened it. "Duck? Hey Vig?" Orlando got quiet, gently laying his bag on the floor and closing the door. Viggo was asleep in one of the wing back chairs. Orlando glanced at the tray of food, including strawberries - he saw with a smile, sitting untouched on the table. He laid a finger against the wine bottle that sat in water with a few half melted ice cubes. Kneeling down next to the chair, he gently touched Viggo's knee. "Viggo?"

"Hmm?" Viggo's eyes peeked open a slow smile forming as he saw Orlando kneeling in front of him. "Hey you." he murmured sleepily. "Sorry- didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Tha's okay, I didn't mean to keep you waiting. It's just been a bastard of a week and Ridley's crazy and - " He smiled and leaned to kiss Viggo's lips softly, taking the bottom one in his teeth and tugging gently before pulling back and saying, "It doesn't mean anything now, 'cause you're here. That's all that's important."

"Don't worry about it," Viggo smiled, pulling him in for another kiss. "We're both here, and that's all that matters. So- what were those things I was supposed to help you with again? There was tired, sore, lonely... I think there was another one but I can't quite remember..."

"Mmmm, hungry?" Orlando said with a smile and bit Viggo's neck, lapping across the mark with his tongue. "Was that it?"

"Hmm... close, I think. There's food on the table if that's really what you're after," Viggo smirked.

"Maybe that wasn't it. I'm just not sure. Maybe I was oh I don't know - horny?" He laughed and threw his arms around Viggo.

"That was it!" Viggo feigned amazement. "I knew we'd sort it out sooner or later!" he grinned, kissing him hard before pulling back. "God, I missed you."

"C'mere." Orlando stood and led Viggo to the bed. "You've entirely too many clothes on." Gaze never leaving the other man's eyes; Orlando began unbuttoning Viggo's shirt, opening it and slipping it off of his shoulders. He leaned in and licked across the man's nipple, sucking it into his mouth and rubbing the ridge of his teeth across the hard peak.

"So do- mmm- so do you," Viggo groaned, fumbling for the buttons on Orlando's shirt, his hands dropping away with a gasp as Orlando's teeth worked against his nipples.

With a chuckle, Orlando pulled back and quickly stripped his shirt off, toeing his shoes off and unzipping his pants. He ran a finger down Viggo's chest and stomach, scratching lightly through the soft hairs leading down into the waistband of his jeans. "Off, now. Please?" He added with a smile.

"God, yes," Viggo shivered, hurrying to unbutton his jeans, kicking them off to the side as they slipped down onto the floor. "Better?"

"Um no."

Viggo frowned, looking confused. "It's not?"

Orlando pushed his own pants down quickly, grabbed Viggo's shoulders and in one swift movement flung them both onto the bed, laughing.

"FUCK!" Viggo hollered out, starting to laugh once he got back the air that Orlando landing on him had forced out. "You know, you're not as light as you used to be," he gasped, running his hand through Orlando's hair and tugging.

Orlando groaned at the pull of his hair; he pushed his hips down and then said with a grin, "almost two stone of pure muscle." He leaned up, and wiggled until he was cradled between Viggo's thighs, hard cocks brushing against each other causing him to whimper.

"There is nothing pure about you," Viggo groaned, tilting his head back against the pillows, his hips canting up slowly, hissing at the contact.

"And if I'm tainted, who - uh fuck - yeah - " Orlando stuttered off as he rubbed and arched down. "Fuck - who - who corrupted me?" He lay down on Viggo's chest and licked up his neck, tongue rasping across the stubble on the older man's jaw.

"Can't rape the willing, Orlando," Viggo growled, tugging harder on his hair and pulling him up into a brutal kiss. "Now fuck me already."

Orlando started the kiss and Viggo's words sank in he began to laugh, sputtering into the man's mouth before leaning up. "Fuck, you're crazy." He reached and opened the night table drawer, fishing out condoms and lube and laid them on the bed. Sitting back he stroked up and down his hard length, winking at Viggo. "I've needed you so bad."

"If you needed me so bad, what are you doing way over there," Viggo purred, reaching his hand out and linking his fingers with Orlando's stroking him faster. "And you like me crazy."

"I like you anyway, everyway." Orlando gritted out. He rocked back, moving their hands and pouring lube into his palm. With an economy of motions, Orlando rolled on a condom, lubed his cock and then ran his fingers under Viggo's balls and circled his hole. "Do you want me?" He asked coyly.

"Yes!" Viggo gasped, trying to press closer to Orlando's fingers. "I want you. I need you. And I'll give you anything you want if you stop teasing me and _fuck_ me already!"

Orlando laughed and pushed Viggo's legs up. With long, callused fingers Orlando entered his lover; he stretching and prepping until the sounds from Viggo told the young man that he was ready. He knelt up, the head of his cock pressed against Viggo's pucker. Pushing in lightly he groaned, head hanging down and long dark hair covering his eyes.

Viggo wrapped his legs around Orlando, gasping as he felt him shift deeper inside him. He groaned as Orlando moved inside him slowly- too slowly, knowing at the back of his mind that Orlando was enjoying tormenting him and not caring in the slightest.

The tight drag pull as he slipped in and out of the ring of muscle made Orlando grunt and bite his lip. He slowly pushed in and up, straining on his knees as he pressed against Viggo's thighs. His fingers dug into the tanned skin of the man under him as he gripped his hips. Sweat stood out on his upper lip as the muscle in his back quivered as he held perfectly still, suddenly pulling out and slamming in, rattling the bed with the force.

Viggo arched up off the bed, lifting them both up, only just managing to hold back a scream as he clenched tightly around his lover. Collapsing back down again, he rocked his hips up, encouraging him to move faster, his ragged breath echoing in his ears.

Orlando moved his hands from Viggo's hips. He scratched his fingers across the furred chest, flicking and twisting at the hard nipples. He balanced on his knees, snapping his hips in deep hard thrusts. "Fuck Viggo! Want this so bad." He stammered out and reached to curl his hand around the leaking red head of Viggo's cock. Loosely he cupped it, before squeezing once and releasing, cupping it again and grinning at his lover.

Unable to stop from crying out this time, Viggo reached up and fisted Orlando's hair again, pulling him within an inch of Viggo's face. "I. Will. Kill. You." he growled, trying to thrust up into Orlando's hand, his orgasm hovering just out of reach.

"But first - uh - fuck - but first you'll - oh fuck- beg!" Orlando began to pump, in hard almost clumsy thrusts. "C'mon Duck - come - on." Orlando started stroking Viggo's straining length faster and harder as he arched upwards, crying out and clenching his teeth as his climax ripped through him.

Viggo's cry matching the other man's as he felt Orlando pulsing inside him, Viggo pumped his hips up, fucking Orlando's fist and coming with a bitten off scream. Shuddering, he lifted his shaking arms around Orlando and pulled him closer, holding him tight. "Mmm. Too late in asking. Next time I'll beg," he murmured cheekily.

Orlando gulped in chunks of air, trying to regain his ability to think. "Oh damn." He stuttered out as he rolled out of Viggo's arms and to the side, pulled the condom off, tossing it in the bin and then stretching next to his lover. "Next time I'll make you - damn - " He licked his lips, rubbing his nose across Viggo's sweaty shoulder. "I'll make you beg before hand, yeah? I've missed this."

"Next time," Viggo smiled, kissing the top of his head and pulling him closer. "I've missed you too. God, I can't wait until we don't have to bother with all this cloak and dagger crap any more," Viggo sighed, relaxing against the bed and looking up at the ceiling.

"Yeah - uh - "

_No. Not again. Please, not again._ "Orlando?" Viggo tried to pretend he didn't know exactly what Orlando was about to say.

Orlando sat up and smiled. "You want some wine?"

"No, not really. I'd rather you told me whatever it is you're not telling me."

Orlando sighed and lay down next to Viggo, taking his hand, he pulled it to his lips and kissed the scarred knuckles. "I love you, but it just might be better if we wait. Just until Elizabethtown is out. It's a romance and Cameron has put a lot into it. I just don't know what it'll do - the publicity and all." He said, worrying his lip between his teeth.

"Wait until after Elizabethtown." Viggo echoed numbly, looking up at the ceiling. "Orlando... you do remember that this wasn't even my idea in the first place. It was yours."

"It's only a few more months. Fuck Viggo, we can still see each other. This isn't how I want us to be - you know that." Orlando's voice quivered.

Viggo closed his eyes, trying not to let the tone in Orlando's voice work on it the way it always did. "I didn't care once- before I ever thought it was a possibility. Back when I didn't think it would ever happen- you and me, together publicly. And then you ..." Viggo cut off, sighing. "If you don't want to do it, then just say so, Orlando. I'll deal with it. But I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?" Orlando said, voice sharp and then he frowned and laid his head against Viggo's chest. "I want to, I want us to be together but I just - I don't know how to do this."

"Don't know how to do what, Orlando?" Viggo asked softly, his hand automatically going to his lover's hair, the repetitiveness of the gesture soothing him a little.

"How to love you like you deserve and not hurt you. But just wait just one more time, okay? I promise it's the last time." He sat up, catching Viggo's hand and sucking the fingers into this mouth, running his tongue around them. "I promise Duck, just this once."

_Like you promised after Pirates. After Troy. And again now._ Viggo reached his free hand up and touched Orlando's cheek. "I love you. You know that, right? I love you so much."

Orlando smiled and threw his leg over Viggo's hips. "Of course and I love you." He said and pulled himself up to lay across the other man. "Fuck, I need a shower and a little sleep." Orlando said, a yawn interrupting him.

"Just a little sleep?" Viggo grinned, rubbing his back. "And you're not going to get showered lying there," he pointed out, giving him a quick poke in the ribs.

Orlando squeaked and rolled off of Viggo. "Hey!" He leaned over and kissed the middle of the man's chest. "I'm going to have to run out for a little while later, just for an hour - tops. There's a great restaurant on the way back, I'll pick us up some takeaway and we can have a picnic. How's that sound?"

"Sounds perfect," Viggo grinned. "Want company in the shower?"

"Always!" Orlando whooped and jumped up, tugging Viggo with him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Orlando walked into the room and tossed his bag on the table. "Vi - fuck." He stopped himself. "Daft bastard." He mumbled to the quiet of the room. "He's left already. Fuck." He sat down wearily and rubbed his hands across his face, missing Viggo already. "And you didn't even spend hardly any time with him." He grumbled and began checking his pockets for his phone, when a piece of paper lying on the bed caught his eye. "Ohh dirty note, wanking material maybe?" He said with a grin and stretched to pick up the paper. The smile slowly evaporated as he read out loud. _"I didn't set out to be this person. I didn't lay awake in the safe haven of my childhood and dream of becoming someone that you didn't need."_

"What the fuck?" He asked the empty room and grabbed his phone.

Viggo paused and stepped out of the line of people getting onto the plane, the hood of his sweatshirt pulled low, almost masking his eyes. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and checked the number, running his thumb over the display before turning the phone off and returning it to his pocket, rejoining the line. Going home.

"FUCK!" Orlando said as Viggo's voice mail kicked in, throwing the phone across the room, he looked down at the line written under the poem._ "I'm sorry, Orlando. Goodbye."_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ **Answers** _

Standing in the rain holding a bag  
Filled with problems needing solving  
One hand lifted to knock on your door  
When I realize that you don't live here anymore.

Words are like the steam that rises from my cup,   
The product of something that is strong and hot and real,   
But as soon as they are released   
They swirl over us, empty and fragile  
And drift away in tattered fragments.

Tore up the last letter that I wrote you   
And scattered it across the lake   
Where you called to me,   
Laughing,   
Always laughing.

The pieces made a random pattern   
That spelled your name   
In a language that I didn't speak   
Before they sank out of reach,   
Carrying my solutions with them.


	3. A lot more empty space

Dennis unlocked the door, shifting the bag in his arms to stuff the key ring back in his pocket. "Vig? Hey? Vig?"

"Back here."

"You want a beer? I brought some of that brown shit you like." Dennis called as he walked into the kitchen, pulling a few items out of a grocery bag.

"Maybe later. Thanks though."

Dennis grunted and shoved the six-pack in the refrigerator. "What's this blue - " He leaned away quickly, making a face. "Man, you got furry shit in here." He said with amusement, swinging the door shut and walking toward the studio.

"I imagine that's true," Viggo said, distracted by the stack of papers he was sorting through. "Sorry it took me so long to call you. We good?"

"Yeah." Dennis said and pulled a chair out, sitting down. "Glad you called. Vicky was driving me ape shit and I was wondering how – well how you were." He shrugged and nudged a canvas with the side of his foot. "So how's the book going? Getting it pulled together?"

"Yeah. Might even make the deadline on time for once. My publisher'll die of shock," Viggo murmured. "Tell Vic I say hello, by the way," he said, passing the stack of pages over to Dennis and starting to collect the spare papers, stacking them neatly and putting them away in a cabinet.

"Take a look through that, will you? Make sure nothing's upside down or backwards."

"Like I could tell with your stuff?"

"Numbered the pages just for you, so it's easy to tell."

"You're good that way." Dennis muttered and flipped through the pages, looking around at the unusually clean room. "Who committed the act of tidy in here?"

Viggo shrugged, refilling his cup from the coffee pot behind his desk. "I was having trouble finding things. Made sense to straighten it up a little."

Dennis looked up at his friend and blinked. "Shit, since when did you decide to start making sense? What the hell happened to the ol' Viggo?" He blinked again, frowning at his words. "Uh - yeah - sorry." He mumbled and looked back at the pages in his hand.

"Look, Dennis it's-" Viggo cut off as the phone rang. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath, staring at the answering machine as the phone rang twice before it picked up.

_’I bathed in the river Lethe to try and rid myself of you. But still your shadow remained, like a dark stain upon my heart.'_ Orlando listened to the gravelly voice on the machine and hung his head, pushing the phone close to his ear, cupping his hand around it. At the beep he took a breath. "Hey Duck, it's just me. It's been three weeks and - and I thought you'd call me, or write, or pick up any of the times I've called." He got quiet, his knee bouncing as he drug his lip through his teeth. "So yeah, I don't know what happened. And I don’t know how to fix this. Please pick up. Are you there?" The sound of his breathing pushed through his tiny cell phone before he finally said, in a voice almost to quiet to hear, "I don’t know how to fix this, but I will, I swear." On the other side of the world, Orlando pulled the phone away from his ear and pushed the end button. "Fuck." He said quietly.

Viggo lowered his head as Orlando's voice filled the room, sitting down in the chair behind his desk. _Fuck._

Dennis took a second to stack the pages in his hand. Finally he looked up at the man behind the desk. "You wanna talk?"

"Not really anything to say. It's over. If you want an 'I told you so', you're certainly more than entitled to one," Viggo said, his voice blank.

"Well, it's good to know you still think I'm that big of an asshole." Dennis said, no humor in his voice. "That why you been holed up here since you got back?"

"I just meant you were right, Dennis. I don't want to fight with you." Viggo sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"I wasn't wanting to fight, I just - " Dennis scratched his nose and cleared his throat. "Look, Viggo if you need to talk or anything I'm here. I just - " He trailed off.

"Oh, Christ, Dennis- could one thing in my life be normal right now?" Viggo sighed, exasperated with both of them. "If I'd wanted Vicky to come over and mother me, I would have called her. Just be Dennis, for the love of God."

"You just used the words your life and normal in the same sentence - you got a fever?" Dennis tried a smile and found it didn't make him squirm as bad as he had thought it would. "Yeah well, you don’t want Vicky over here doing the mother hen thing. Shit, why you think I hang out here with you so much?"

"I try not to speculate," Viggo murmured, his mouth barely turning up into a smile. "I know she's a hell of a cook. Dennis, ask what you want to ask. Lets get it over with, okay?" Viggo said, looking up, his eyes showing his exhaustion.

"You're not okay - so I won't insult you by asking that." Dennis cocked his head and looked at Viggo. "Your decision or his?"

"Not his. I left the poem you pointed out to me on the bed, added I love you and goodbye."

Dennis squirmed a bit. "Why?"

"I told you, you were right. He wanted to put it off again." Viggo lifted his head, looking out the window. "I never really cared, you know? Whether we did or not. It wasn't that big a deal to me."

"So if you didn't care, and he didn't want to - what was the problem?" Dennis asked, confused.

"It wasn't about coming out- it was constantly having something held out in front of me, only to have it snatched away before I could take it. Charlie Brown and the football- Lucy promising every time that this time she'd hold it in place, only to pull it out right before he could touch it."

Dennis scratched his fingernails across his scalp, frowning. "So it wasn't that he wouldn't tell the world - it was that he kept saying that he would?"

"I could give a fuck about the world. I just wanted to be his world. The way he is mine. Was mine." Viggo corrected, getting out of the chair and pacing over to the window.

"How do you know you weren't - aren't? Fuck Vig, did you hear how he sounded on that message he just left. I know he's young but he sounded about twelve." Dennis said, wrinkling his nose.

"He's not a kid. And it's past time I stopped treating him like one," Viggo kept his voice firm, refusing to think about how Orlando had sounded on the phone. "And five years is long enough to know that you're standing in the shadow of a dream that is never going to become reality."

"Five years is a long time to throw away over something not happening that you don’t give a shit if it happens - or not."

Viggo wheeled around, leaning against the window frame with his arms crossed. "I got there, he wasn't there. Showed up, I was asleep. We fucked, took a shower, he was gone again. Each time, a good three, even four hours longer than he expected. For the whole time I was there. Hell, Dennis- you saw it before I did. Either that, or you just opened my eyes to what I'd tried to stay blind to. I love him. But I'm done being available at his convenience."

"Viggo, I didn't want - I wasn't - Mortensen don't lay this shit at my door." Dennis stood up and tugged at his shirt. "You're standing there puffed up and crowing at me, have you said any of these words to him? Out loud? In the same room? On the same fuckin' continent?"

"I'm not blaming you- hell, I should probably be thanking you for helping me keep from wasting another five years." Viggo pushed off the wall and headed for the door. "Look- thank you for talking to me and everything, but I just need to let it go, all right? I'm going around the corner for smokes, you can cause whatever trouble it is you do when I'm not in the room, and when I come back, we can just finish proofing the book. Please?"

"Yeah sure." Dennis said to the empty doorway as he heard Viggo walk down the hall and out the door.

Dennis walked to the desk and poked at the telephone. Looking around he picked up a pen and poked at it some more. He was almost surprised and grinned when the caller ID display read back the last number. With a slight twitch of conscience he picked up the phone from it's cradle and dialed the number, decidedly_ NOT_ thinking about what he was doing.

Orlando sighed and took his phone out of his pocket, letting out a squeak and almost dropping it in surprise as he saw the number, flipping it open as fast as his shaking hands would let him. "Duck? Viggo- god, thank you finally called me, it's been three weeks, I've been going bloody insane not being able to talk to you and-"

"Yeah -uh - whoa there big boy. This ain't - duck? The fuck you call him duck for anyway?" Dennis asked suddenly.

There was silence from the other end of the phone for several moments. "This isn't Viggo. Who are you- why are you using Viggo's phone- I saw it was his number- how did you get this number?" he stammered out. "Where's Viggo?"

Dennis huffed out a laugh, grinning as he sat down on the edge of the desk. "You do sound about twelve - I be damned." He said and laughed again before continuing. "I'm a friend of Viggo's, Dennis – Hopper – you may have heard of me. Shame in all these years we've never met. Me being one of his nearest and dearest and you being his - well - yeah – his whatever."

"Dennis," Orlando said, his voice crisp, not at all pleased at being told he sounded like a twelve year old. "Viggo's talked about you, yes. Would it be possible for me to speak to him please, seeing as this is his phone you're using?"

"No sorry he's not here. He's gone off in a snit around the corner for cigarettes." Dennis said and picked at a loose thread on his pants seam, leg swinging against the desk. "Oh, yeah I called you." He said, sitting up. "Let me ask you a question Orlando."

"He's gone off in a ..." Orlando cut off, not knowing how to handle this conversation. "Fine. Yes, go ahead. What did you want to ask?" he said in a stiff formal voice and paced across the floor of his room.

"Do you know why he left you?" Dennis asked and then quickly added. "Now boy, don't hang up. Just answer, okay?"

"That's totally none of your bloody..." Orlando's anger fizzled out mid-sentence. He slowly walked across the room and dropped into a chair. "Because I asked him... I don't know if you ... fuck!" he growled, running his hand through his hair and tugging hard. "Because I asked him to put off coming out. Again." he said, embarrassed to be having this conversation with someone who was virtually a stranger.

"Jesus Christ." Dennis said and shook his head, a grin on his face. "Do you and him ever just talk? Don't answer that one." He said in a rush. "Listen Orlando, I've known Viggo - well since you were in grade school." He snorted out a laugh before continuing. "Sorry Sorry, fuck I wish Vicky was here, she’s better at this shit." He mumbled. "Okay, I've known him a long time. What everybody else thinks don’t mean shit to him, he just cares about what's inside. He's a good man and when he cares about something or - you know - somebody - he cares about it all the way down to his very soul. And when you care about somebody that much - well you just want to know you mean as much to them. Are you listening to me boy?"

"Yes," Orlando murmured, pulling his legs up under himself and only just managing to keep from saying 'Yes sir'.

"Well, did you ever ask him if _he_ even gave a fuck about coming out and going public? He knows how scared of that you are. Wait. Just wait. You don’t even have to say a word - I can hear you tightening up ready to get in a huff, so just calm down. Hell it scares him _for you._ Did you ever think maybe he just wants to know that he's almost as important as your career?"

"I... but he said he would- when I asked him. Doesn't that mean it was something he wanted?" Orlando closed his eyes, trying to process this, feeling deeply stupid. _Viggo doesn't care? Then why did he say yes? Why did he leave?_

"He'd walked down Ventura naked for you! Of course he agreed, he’d say or do whatever you want Orlando! You kept asking and he kept saying yes. Did you ever just stop asking and worrying and tell him how you felt?" Dennis said in a hard voice and then continued. "I'm tired of talking at you and I've said what I called to say."

Orlando winced, his stomach turning over as the truth of what Dennis was saying hit him. "I'm..." _why do I get the feeling if I tell this man I'm sorry, he'll reach through the phone and rip my lungs out._ "Thank you. For calling." Orlando said instead.

"You're welcome and goodbye." Dennis said gruffly, hanging up the phone and standing, he picked up a handful of papers, waiting for Viggo to get back.

Viggo took his time walking to the store on the corner, lingering over his cigarette on the walk back, trying to let go of everything the conversation with Dennis had brought up all over again. I should delete that message, Viggo thought as he walked up his front steps and into the house, ignoring the fact that he'd saved every other message Orlando had left. _Every single one._ "Dennis?"

"I'm in the kitchen." Dennis yelled back. "I heard a noise and thought whatever was growing in the refrigerator had finally learned how to open the door and was slowly oozing toward the hallway. Don't worry though; it was only a roach the size of your shoe. Come to think of it that may be what he was after - they sure smell like they're rotten." Dennis walked into the living room from the kitchen, cackling a laugh out.

"Would you like me to call Vicky and get her opinion on yours?" Viggo pointed out, joining Dennis in the living room and heading back toward the study again. "Lets get back to it- were you able to keep yourself from messing with anything you weren't supposed to while I was gone?" he asked, rolling his eyes as he scanned the room.

Dennis grinned a bit. "Nothing that didn't need to be messed with Vig." In the studio Dennis moved to pick up the stack of pages he had been sorting, and then looked up saying, "Oh yeah, I found one poem you might want to add. It's over there on the desk." He made a vague gesture toward the other side of the room.

"You did, did you?" Viggo said, distracted by the pages of sketches he was checking over. "I'll take a look in a bit. So, I need three drawings - go through this pile, and I'll include the ones that you like the least."

"Bite me." Dennis said happily and took the papers.

 

_   
**Accommodate**   
_

_There was no room in my life for you but I made one.  
I fit you in between things I had to have  
and things I wanted to have.  
and I shoved over a bunch of things I thought I wanted  
but didn’t need  
and even moved a few things I needed  
but didn’t want.  
After throwing out a batch of things I thought I could use  
but never needed  
I found a spot for you  
and I got used to having you there,  
and your presence lit up that dim corner like a dawning sun  
and I forgot about the things that I had moved  
and tossed  
and rearranged,  
because you fit like you had been there for eternity  
and I forgot that I had had to make room for you,  
that there had been a time when there wasn’t a place in my life for you.  
Then one day,  
the same way that you wandered in and took up residence,  
you wandered out  
and the vacuum that your absence created  
could not be filled by the things I had,  
or the things I needed  
or the things I wanted  
and I looked around  
and saw that there was a lot more empty space  
than I had ever imagined  
and I wondered how I hadn’t noticed that before._


	4. Like offerings before an altar

Dennis raised his beer bottle in a salute. "And here's to listening to me and going with the blue one." He said and grinned. "You did go with the blue, didn't you?" He asked suspiciously.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah 'course I went with the blue," Viggo said distractedly, raising his own beer bottle. "No- wait- blue?"

"As long as you didn't get that yellow color, that was real bad." Dennis stretched his legs out under the coffee table. "So what time we starting out tomorrow? And it's your turn to buy breakfast."

Viggo rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. "When is it not my turn to buy breakfast- I can't remember the last time you..." Viggo's voice slowed as the phone started ringing, "uh the last time you paid for anything really. Can you?"

Dennis flipped Viggo off, ignoring the familiar insult, his attention turning to the answering machine as it whirred and clicked - reciting it's greeting.

_'I bathed in the river Lethe to try and rid myself of you. But still your shadow remained, like a dark stain upon my heart.'_ Orlando listened to the gravelly voice on the machine, at the beep; he drew in a breath and spoke. "Hey. It's me. Just - just calling again to say that I love you. But that wasn't ever the problem was it? Are you ever going to pick up the phone? Will I be a ninety year old man, sitting on the porch of the retirement home paying the nurse in chocolate biscuits to bring me a phone and dial your number." There was a silence on the line and then he said, "I'll talk to you later Viggo."

Dennis took a drink of his beer as the machine fell silent. He watched Viggo.

Running his hand through his hair, Viggo forced a smile. "He's already down from three calls a day to one. Guess that's an improvement." Standing up, refusing to acknowledge just how flat his attempted joke had fallen; he lifted the beer out of Dennis's hand. "I'll get you a fresh one, that one's warm," he muttered, walking out of the room and heading for the kitchen.

Dennis looked at his empty hand and frowned, adding his own mutter. "Yeah, I can see a bunch of improvement around here." He shook his head as the doorbell rang and Viggo yelled from the kitchen for him to go see who was there. "Sure boss. Wasn't like I was sitting and drinking a beer or anything."

He walked through the front hall and answered the door. "Well I'll be a motherfucker." Dennis said in an amused voice.

Orlando blinked and then leaned back and checked the numbers on the side of the house. _'Okay, he was at the right house, and this was Dennis Hopper - shite. _ Orlando had seen Easy Rider. He blinked again, mouth opening and then closing on the speech that he had prepared and even practiced the entire flight over. He was going to launch into it as soon as Viggo opened the door, but Viggo hadn't opened the door, this mad man had. Orlando blinked and managed to frown and say, "Pardon, you'll be a what?"

"Oh this is too good. Damn I'd have paid to be here for this." Dennis said and stifled a laugh as Viggo yelled from the kitchen, asking who was at the door. "Delivery! I'm going to put it in the studio." He yelled back, watching as Orlando's eyes widened and the color drained out of his face when he heard Viggo's voice. "Oh you poor dumb love stupid bastard." Dennis said with a laugh. "Well c'mon." He stepped back and gestured for the younger man to follow him. Once in the studio he turned to Orlando. "What? You called from the curb five minutes ago?"

Orlando nodded, and then shook his head, wanting to be precise. "From the cab. Um, at the curb. So yes, I suppose."

Dennis squinted his eyes at the man and thought that it might be a good thing Orlando was pretty. "Stay."

Orlando nodded, frowning - Dennis resisted patting him on the head and telling him he was a good boy. Grinning he walked out of the studio and met Viggo starting down the hall.

"You get it all squared away?" Viggo asked, handing Dennis a fresh beer, wondering at the look on his face. "Did you sign for it, or do I need to?"

Cackling out a wild laugh, Dennis pointed toward the office and said, "Fetch." He took a swig of his beer and walked toward the front door, humming.

"Where the fuck are you going, you lunatic?" Viggo yelled after him, furrowing his brow and heading for the studio, pausing in the doorway and going white. "I'm going to kill him."

"Hi Duck." Orlando said and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"You're not here. You're not here, you're in Morocco. What the fuck did Dennis put in my beer?" Viggo murmured, mostly to himself.

"I was in Morocco. And in Spain. And everywhere except where I needed - where I wanted to be."

Viggo shook his head. "I can't do this- I can't go through this again, Orlando."

Orlando held his arm out, moving forward a step as Viggo turned toward the door. "Please. Just give me five minutes. I know I don't deserve it really, but please."

_Just walk out- don't let him do this to you again. Just tell him no, and walk away._ Viggo stopped, closing his eyes and pausing for a few moments. "All right." He opened them again, turning around to face Orlando. "I'm listening."

"Okay." Orlando looked down at his hands, clenched in front of him and took a deep breath. "Okay. You know I love you right?"

"I know I love you." Viggo said softly.

Orlando's shoulders tensed and his knees sagged just a bit. He licked his lips. "Okay, then we start all over. I mean I - fuck." He pulled his hands up to his chest and twisted his fingers together. "I love you, since the beginning, I've loved you. You are amazing and I don't know how not to love you. I want to be with you, now and tomorrow and next year and forever. But I'm scared."

Viggo opened his mouth to interrupt, and then stopped, closing it again. _Just let him finish. Let him say what he needs to say, and you can tell him you'll always love him, but he needs to go, and you can call Dennis back, kick his ass and drink until you pass out._ "Go on," he murmured.

"Okay." Orlando said and took another deep breath. "It's like I don't really breath when you aren't around, you know? Like nothing feels." He fidgeted and tugged at his shirt cuff. Looking up at Viggo, Orlando tried again. "I don't know what you want. I don't know what to do or say and every time I try, it comes out wrong. And I don't know anymore." He trailed off, shrugging.

_Christ_. Viggo looked down and took a deep breath. "Orlando- why did you come here? Why did you ask me to come out in the first place- I've never understood why it was you did that? And what I want- all I've ever wanted is to feel like I'm a part of your life- not just something to have around when it's convenient."

Orlando flinched as if struck. "You are a part of my life. Fuck Viggo, you're everything to me. I - dammit." He sat down on the edge of the desk, slumping and bracing his hands on the edge before continuing. "And I asked you to come see me - 'cause - 'cause I missed you, even though I knew I wouldn't have hardly anytime. We we're running close on the production time and Ridley yelled because I kept disappearing to go to the hotel and see you. But I just had to see you, hold you. And I was afraid - I thought saying 'Hey Duck, you got half an hour to fly eight hours one way to spend with me' might be asking a little much. And so then all of this and I couldn't stand it, so I told them I had to go. I told Ridley I was sick and I needed a few days off 'cause I had to come here and talk to you. Even if it's the last time I ever see you, I had to come and talk to you - tell you that I love you. I just had to." He stopped and rocked a bit on the desk, gripping the edge tightly.

"No, Orlando..." Viggo sighed, his heart aching, wanting so badly to just cross the room and take Orlando in his arms and... _no. That just ends you back where you where before._ "Not why did you ask me to come and see you. Although on that- yes, if you knew you were only going to have that kind of time, you should have told me. You think I wouldn't have flown half way around the world just to get to see you for thirty seconds, let alone half an hour? Why did you ask me to come out - about us?"

"Because that's what you want," Orlando said, brow furrowed. "You want us to be open and be able to tell people and I want to, but I know - " he swallowed and bounced his knee trying to think how to say what he meant. "I know that it's going to ruin my career, but I don't care, really I don't. I just didn't want to mess up Ridley and Gore. They put so much trust in me and I thought I owed them to not cause bad press, but I realize that I can't do that and keep you and that's all that matters, you. I want you to not just love me, but to be proud of me and if I'm hiding and not being honest there's no way you'll ever be proud of me. You're a better person than that, so that's why I want to come out - so you'll be proud of me and know that I love you."

"It's not what I want. I never asked you for that. I never would have asked you for that. I don't know where you came up with all of what you just said, but it wasn't from me." Viggo said, looking directly at Orlando.

"God dammit Viggo, for five fucking years I've thought that was what you wanted, what it was going to take to make you know that I really completely loved you and now you tell me it wasn't? Why didn't you ever tell me before?" Orlando's voice broke as he spoke the words, eyes wide and lip trembling.

Viggo crossed the room in a few steps, reaching up and touching Orlando's cheek with his hand. "Because you never asked me, Orlando."

"I didn't know I had to." Orlando said and raised his hand to place it over the warm finger on his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly, afraid to release Viggo's hand, afraid that the man would move his hand and Orlando would lose the precious contact.

"You said that you wanted to come out- I didn't know why you did it, but it was beautiful and romantic and idealistic and you looked so damned happy and I thought it was what you wanted, and since you're the one with the most to risk, and you still wanted it, I said yes. I don't need the grand gesture, the knight on the white charger. I don't need to be promised the moon. All I wanted was to be able to call you mine, and feel that it wasn't just a dream."

Orlando stood up. He stepped away from the desk and held his arms up, shoulder high, palms out. He turned slowly in a circle until he was facing Viggo again. "This. This is all that I have. The rest is nothing. I love you and I belong to you. Even if you don't want me, if you make me leave - I'll still love you - still belong to you. This is all I have to offer, but I promise you I'll spend the rest of my life proving to you that you come first, that it isn't a dream."

Viggo closed his eyes, covering his face with his palms and slowly running both hands through his hair before letting them fall to the side, raising his head to look at Orlando. "All you have is all I want- all I've ever wanted," he whispered.

"I'm so sorry, but I love you." Orlando said in a voice, that at any other time he would be embarrassed to realize sounded like a little boy, but now he was just grateful it worked. "I'm just so sorry I hurt you." He held his arms out, eyes pleading. "I love you."

"I love you- god, I love you so much," Viggo stepped into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Orlando and holding him so tightly he could hardly breathe.

A sob broke from Orlando as he buried his face in Viggo's throat, breathing in the scent of the man and holding him tight. After a minute he pulled back enough to be able to look at Viggo and speak. "That mad bastard was right. We just needed to talk." He laid his head back against Viggo's shoulder, never wanting to leave the circle of the man's arms.

"Mad bast... who- Dennis?" Viggo realized quickly, lifting his head up and kissing Orlando's forehead. "He's really not that bad, once you get to know him. Okay, that's a complete lie- he's that bad and worse. And yes, the bastard was right. I hate when that happens."

Orlando smiled, settling even closer against Viggo and said, "I don't care how crazy he is, I'm just glad he called me. Him telling me how stupid I'd been made me realize what I was losing. I love you so much." He said and kissed Viggo throat, nipping at it gently.

"Mmm so am I - wait hang on - he did WHAT!" Viggo pulled back far enough to look at Orlando's face, aghast.

~~~~~~~~~~

The telephone rang and a tiny red headed woman answered it. "Hello? Oh Vig, hey sweetheart. Sure, hang on." She held the phone down and yelled. "Dennis! Vig's on the phone!"

"Ask him if he's ducky again."

"What?"

"Just ask him Vicky!"

"Viggo? He wants to know if you're - uh - ducky? What? Okay hold on." She turned and yelled toward the back of the house again. "Dennis, he said to fuck off you mad bastard and they? They owed you one... Dennis what the hell have you done now?"

Peals of laughter rang from down the hallway.

 

_   
**Our History**   
_

_Do you remember the old words,  
The ones we used when we told each other,  
How we felt and what it meant to be together?_

Do you also remember  
The language that we used,  
When we needed no words?

Can you still feel the fire that burned between us,  
The heat that hung heavy in the air around us?

Civilizations have crashed to the ground,  
Mountains have crumbled to dust,  
And seas have turned to desert,  
While I have loved you.

The ancient ways have come and gone,  
But still, I remember the first time  
My fingers touched your skin,  
The first time I watched as you awoke  
And looked toward me in the light of morning.

The words tumble from my lips lightly,  
Like offerings before an altar.  
Telling you what is in my heart, my soul,  
Like runes that only you could ever understand.


End file.
